Walking in the Heat of the Day

Posted by: John T

Its been way too long since I've been on here.  The reasons are mostly laziness, complacency, passiveness, and many other related sinful traits in this category.  My desire to repent of these have never been stronger, and the past few weeks have been rough for me (rough is an understatement).  To combat this, I've been falling at the feet of Jesus and taking it day by day. 

I also started a bit of a private online journal (www.livejournal.com).  It has been freeing to write again.  I also detest writing in paper journals because my house is filled with all manner of paper piled around.  I feel as though one day I will become a papermeleon and be lost from view in my own home.  I have a strong desire to gather it all and burn it, but, my OCD will not let me for fear that I might need some of it.

As I was writing in this journal I realized that it might be helpful to share an entry that isn't really that private and presses home our need to make GOD the center of our lives.  For me lately, this means disciplining myself to seek Him.  For all relationships require work regardless of your love for one another.  I love God deeply, and wish to serve no other, but, sin (such a generic term) hinders me from seeking Him.

I do this way too much without even knowing it until its too late:

Genesis 3:8
And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool  of the day, and the man and his wife  hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

Now granted I have no wife, but, you get the point.

And now for the journal entry, slightly edited to protect the innocent and leave out some stuff that should not be on the "public" internet...

For now there can hardly be any "Walking in the Cool of the Day" with God in south Florida. Forget "In the Heat of the Night" (that show my grandma and I use to watch). The Heat of the Day is far more dramatic. I just spent the last half hour walking up and down the Bennett Auto warehouse building (outside the building of course -its hotter inside).

As a result of my current emotional ups and downs I have found a few things that work. One of them is walking outside in the 95% humidity and sweating out the feelings of dejection and depression. Yesterday I called everyone I could think of (believers in GOD) that wouldn't just be completely annoyed with me for calling them in the middle of a busy day. Some did seem annoyed of course, but were nice enough to get me off the phone nicely. This time I decided to talk to God only. If someone else were watching, they probably would have assumed that I was an escapee from a mental institution, as I hopped along with my mouth moving, but no audible voice coming out. It probably would have seemed odd as well that there was no apparent person in view that could watch or listen to my lip gyrations... ...and yes my walking motion can be described as hopping, since I'm a bit of a tippie toe walker when healthy or nervous.

I was reminded of a man in our neighborhood when I was younger. Sample was his name. I can't recall if he went by any other, so I'll refer to him as Old Man Sample. He supposedly was an injured World War II veteran who lived with some family of his. He used to walk up and down our street sticking out his tongue with each step. His right hand would reach up to his left shoulder and he would pull his hand across his chest, down to his side, and back up again with each step as well. He had a bit of a limp. My images of him always seem to place him in a white coat and white pants. He would go walking for hours around the neighborhood this way. I believe my grandmother spoke to him once and he could not speak very well because his tongue was in the shape of a light bulb (probably from all the exercise it received). But I digress...

I don't remember every detail of the conversation, but, it was a lot of pouring out my heart to God and trying to decipher truth from negative feelings (possibly feelings from the enemy). I ended up at the conclusion that I was anxious because I wanted to solve my "problems" ASAP (as a result of my willingness to repent from complacency, passiveness, and laziness). ASAP to me felt like "by tomorrow." My problems being summarized in a few phrases as: Finding my calling in the kingdom of God, disciplining myself to act out my great love of God and not taking Him for granted or ignoring Him, and my great desire to put God, Vanessa (a daughter of Eve whom I love very much), family, friends, etc. all in the right spot (which I have failed miserably to do over the past year or so). After nearly sweating to what might have become dehydration, I realized that this was unfeasible to fix in a day or even a week and God gave me comfort. I also remember trying to cry and it was too hot to do so. Its a bit hard to cry and walk at the same time too I discovered. So I thought of stopping, falling to the ground and crying, but, I was afraid I would be attacked by butterflies flying in the grass next to me as more disciplining from God. I was surprised to see them as these are some of the first I've seen in a long time since being in urban south FL. They reminded me of Vanessa (since in some languages like Greek her name means butterfly) and I watched one for a while as long as I could bear- then back to hopping and sweating for a bit.

I made my way back to the office and some 45 min. later, the sky became dark with rain clouds. I tried to find some symbolic meaning, but, then realized there probably wasn't one- God probably needed to go pee after listening to me ramble for 30 min.

Its amazing to me that talking to God, but, not hearing an audible voice in reply can be so tiring and relaxing, and I've needed it more and more everyday as of late... until next time Mr. Journal.

....

So if you get home today and your spouse yells at you or the dog bites you, or perhaps you just feel lonely... remember to find a quiet place and talk to your maker.

Comments

[Brad]

I really think you need to write more. This is a gift. Contemplation and a little humor. I like it.

And I am pulling for you buddy. These were some great thoughts.

[John Thompson]

Thanks.

[Just Matt]

This is good stuff Johnny 6 toes! I look forward to reading more on the journal. I like Brad am pulling for you - oh and you can call me anytime during the middle of a busy day...I could prob. use the brake : )